HERO DIES/Caleb Waldron 1
World War II Hero dies at 79
By Caleb Waldrdon
KALAMAZOO, Mich.- Jeffrey R. Ahson, naval hero and longtime firefighter, died at 79 last night of emphysema, according to lietenant commander Geraldine Fyfe from the Naval Public Relations Office. “Ahson was a genuine war hero,” said Fyfe, clearly distraught over the hero’s death. Mr. Ahson was born in Chico, Calif. And served as a naval petty officer on the USS Emery during World War II. Mr. Ahson was noted for valor during the Battle of Midway in June 1942, during which he saved 4 seamen from the burning wreck and shot down three enemy aircraft. For his heroic actions, Mr. Ahson was promoted to ensign and was awarded both the Purple Heart and the Navy Cross.
After he retired from the navy in 1946, Ahson moved to Kalamazoo, Mich. He was designated as awarded the position of post commander of the American Legion 702 and of VFW 4206. Ahson was also a meber of the National Checkers Association, Gideon’s International, and the Elks Lodge. He was also an usher of John Calvin Presbyterian Church. Mr. Ahson served as a city firefighter until 1985 and collected firefighting memorabilia, including a 1924 fire truck that is now on display at the Museum of Kalamazoo. After his retirement, Mr. Ahson worked as a car salesman.
Mr. Ahson is survived by his wife Therese Alpert, his brother Henry from San
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Franscisco, his sisters Judith Eaker from Reedsville, N.C., Shirley Solomon from Newark, N.J., his children Richard Ahson from Phillipsburg, Kan., Angelina Malino from Omaha Neb. and Lilla Stalling from Pipe Creek, Texas and five grandchildren.
Services will be held at 10 a.m. on Saturday at Littleton Mortuary, with viewings at 4 p.m. to 5:30 and 7:30 to 9 o’clock on Friday. The funeral will be held at Littleton Mortuary following the 10 a.m. services. The family requests no flowers.
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4 comments:
I just have a few suggestions. You should split the first paragraph up into more than one paragraph. Also, Fyfe is giving a statement, and I'm not sure that it's up to you to say that she's "clearly distraught." She didn't look very distraught to me, but if you do want to say something like that, describe her face or her emotions in such a way that will lead the readers to conclude for themselves that she was distraught.
Maybe limit your use of "also" by finding some other way to add information. It's a story, not a bunch of facts. And maybe condense the listing of the survivors.
I agree with Jess on the description. Its kind of like putting words in her...um...face? Either way, with a little more editing its good.
I like the suggestions that Jess gave. One other just little thing is that I don't think you need --more-- when posting in a blog.
Overall, I think you did a good job. I would also recommend being careful about ascribing emotion to Fyfe. I agree that you could streamline the list of survivors and that would be good, since it feels a little clunky by the end of that list.
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